Where is David?

Everywhere I go in the world, I get blamed for being American. I haven’t had to lie and say I was Canadian (yet), but I’ve been close a couple of times. My friend Victor sent me the following forward, and I found it funny. I think it’s because I’m more Californian than I am politically liberal or anything like that.

Please correct me if I’m wrong, but I assume that California pays more in taxes than we actually get from the government in return. We’re kinda like the UK of Europe, paying more to the EU than they get back. (UK = United Kingdom, EU = European Union for all my friends in the 50 states). In the EU, all this money goes to the poorer countries like Poland and Slovenia, in the U.S. this money goes to places like Alabama and Mississippi. I believe that’s what this e-mail was referring to. If the U.S. could be compared to a dinner party, it seems the person paying the bill (California) isn’t getting the respect it deserves from ingrateful hick guests who’ve come from out of town….but what do I know, I’m not even in the country at the moment.

……………………….
Dear Red States,

We’re ticked off at the way you’ve treated California, and we’ve
decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re
taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that
includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan,
Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be
beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new
country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer.
You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and
Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the
red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war,
and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you
need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re
apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they
don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets
coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs
turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s
Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and
lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of
the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors,
all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal
Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),
92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes,
90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists,
virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones
University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless
we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that
evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11
and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher
morals then we lefties.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Unknown Citizen of New California

………………………………………….

Seems I’ve been spotted in Bangkok at a club called Astra on Royal City Avenue. Is this really me? I’ll let you find out. Yes, I look a bit skinnier possibly. That’s probably due to the heat, amount of walking, and lack of appetite from the heat. Don’t worry, I’m trying hard to hydrate myself with a nourishing replenishment of beer and thai food. It seems to be working. I’ve been taking lots of pictures, but here’s one that made it onto this crazy place we call the internet.

Click here to see my spotting.

I hope soon I’ll have enough time to write about all my adventures here on my recent Asia trip soon.

until then,
david